Tuesday, May 17, 2011

This is not an essay.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: bitch u no how to make a patio?
You: yes
Stranger: how much do i have 2 dig?
You: depends, maybe none, fool
Stranger: yeah but depends on wot dumbass
You: the kind of patio you want and where your lazy ass wants to put it
Stranger: aight g... say that i want to make a rectangular BRICK patio
Stranger: how many bloody layers do i neeed???
You: how high from the ground is the flippin' door, neanderthal
Stranger: it's about fuckn 15 cm above the ground foo
Stranger: i fuckn 'sub base' of granite
Stranger: followed by 1 ass beachy sandy mix woteva
Stranger: followed by the motha bricks already, FAR OUT
You: i'm thinking your far off from the rightass way. get 1 layer of your sub base, chill out with the sand somewhere else, and then get on with the bricks. 3 layers, i ask you...
You: shag carpet that shit. they got outdoor shag
Stranger: wot g u speak english whea u live?
Stranger: 1. get a fuckn sub base. 2. sand base? 3. brixx
Stranger: 4. sandy washdown
You: enjoy your weak-sauce patio then. be dollas poorer.
Stranger: dats like crack ass
Stranger: wot u sugestn i don wanna shit ass patio
You: the way your insisting on all this beachy sand mix and this sand wash, thats wut your gonna have. I told you, shag carpet that shit. no need for sand wash.
Stranger: i dun unstand...
Stranger: how do u shag carpet that shit??
You: buy the good stuff, the good outdoor shag. big ol' tube of crazy glue. get the glue all over that patio. I mean all over. then rollll out that shag. Then, when its all positioned, lay down on it, put your arms above your head, and ROLL ur ass around that thing, stickin it down
You: i peacin out, looking for someone to rough me up
Stranger: aight g
Stranger: l8a homes
Stranger: tnx
Stranger: 4 ur ass bitch
You have disconnected.